found myself taking off the glasses with one hand, wiping at the eyes with the forearm, hurredily replacing the glasses. muttering god dammit.

i saw my grandpa today.

talked to the girl about it.

now, more than ever, im understanding a fraction of what she went through. and, now, more than ever, im wishing i had been there for her. but i met her four months later.

i could never connect with people who never knew their grandparents, or were estranged, or found it "stupid" to visit them.

and now im losing this pillar that helped to hold me.

it will be soon. soon. im afraid ill be away.

and now i understand how strong the girl truly is.

now i want to change subjects.

there are some people you never see cussing. or, then again, there are people who do cuss, but then, when you think about it, cussing doesn't fit them.

fucking should never come from their mouth. but it does. and it makes that little part in your gut curl tightly because... her soul, her mind, her lips are so beautiful and fucking... fucking can be such an abrasive word.

the two dont mix.

but she says it. and so you know it really bothers her, really eats at her, shes doing something she sure as hell doesn't want to do.

but you don't tell her dont say that. you dont say those lips those teeth those tongue that air from your lungs that feed the blood that heats you that in turn heats me thousands of miles away or just down the block or in the same room, that word doesnt do your emotion justice. you dont say that because you said it it becomes less tainted.

and you never say if you ever said to me fuck you i would become a husk that carried that around forever.

you just listen. and she says fucking and it jars but you realize that sometimes its the clashes clangs screeches that make the music.

abrupt change of subject:

she got slightly pissed at me today. didnt say fuck or anything. just told me hey, she didnt want me saying i could be pushed aside. just told me she doesnt give me the attention i deserve.

and i shrugged it off. and she got pissed. didnt say fuck or anything.

but its good to know.

im sposed to be up in four hours.