about how i drove the girl up this road not so long ago and how i felt her watching me as i described how here would be a great place to live, how i loved the trees and the way the houses were set back.

about how i glanced over to her after i said all this and she had a little smile on her face. and then talked to me about how bad it would be when it

snowed.

i thought about how i've realized, now, it's not so much that she deserves better than me, because that's not it.

i'm not going to undersell myself. i know im a decent kid. helluva catch in some cases. so, yeah, it's not that.

it's that now i realized i'm not right for her. no matter what i try i wont be right for her, not in that way.

and she does deserve that; she deserves someone that will be right for her.

tonight she talked to me. she told me about this guy.

tom.

he's funny and smart and all this other stuff, apparentally.

and then she told me he probably wouldn't look twice at her.

so of course i told her shes underselling herself.

which led to a battle of "no i dont." "yes, you do." "no." "yes."

and then ended with "stop it." "alright."

i wish i had said more. she needs to know theres so much to her. shes funny and intelligent and giving and she's one of my best friends.

so maybe i am biased.

but i'm not. when someone truly is a wonderful person, biased or not, theyre wonderful.

ah me. if any guy out there didnt pause when she walked by, well en, that guy's just stupid.

and she deserves much more than that.

onto another topic!

the red balloon:

one christmas i was given this movie. i was young, much younger than 10 years old, other than that im not sure of the age i was.

i watched maybe ten minutes of that movie and then stopped. put it up.

it sat with the videos, unfinished, for a really long time.

until i was about 10.

then i put the tape in and watched it.

all of it.

it held me.

i don't know what has happened to that tape since.

but, to this day, i look at balloons in that light.

but, also, i hate when i see people releasing balloons into the sky. the balloons come back down. who knows when and where they will come down.

and who knows what animal will come across discarded balloon remains and eat (or try to eat) them.

im watching the critic right now.

ive only seen half of magnolia. the girl rented it with me, because i had yet to see it and she loves the movie.

we took it back, watched the first tape. went to put in the second tape.

second tape had no sound. none.

so i couldn't finish it.

every time i go back to rent the movie they have no copies.

i think i should take the hint.

but i wont.

i will watch magnolia, i will.

my aunt has a magnolia tree in her back yard, near her dining room window.

the blossoms always captured me for a moment.

now i'm going to turn on the heat.