i came down the steps, on the outlook for her, i came down the steps and thought... turn the corner.

and look.

and so i turned the corner. and i looked.

she was there, standing behind someone, leaning against the stone wall, talking with a group of people i did not know.

my body turned and was moving up the incline.

i saw her eyes scan the sidewalk, past me, and then watched as she jumped and her eyes grew round.

rushing out to hug me i heard her speak.

"you scared me."

"heh, i scared you?"

"yeah, i was just looking around and boom there you were."

"yeah. i was looking for you."

and we talked. resolved something that had been left unfinished in me since may. since before my birthday.

i have been spoiled by my laptop. by the ability to stretch out on my bed, under my covers, and type. by the ability to move outside. by its connection speed.

and now i sit, in this hard chair in a sleeping bag because my dad has always kept the house too cold and has always had the support of the rest of the family in doing so.

so cold it makes my elbows hurt, my knee hurt, my joints that aren't so old yell.

and i hate it.

i hate being cold inside. there's no need for it, for me.

only need is if you've just come inside of exercising, from mowing, from working up a sweat. then blast it until you cool off.

otherwise... no.

my grandfather goes home tomorrow, between 9 and 11. i will be there, i hope.

for him. but for my grandma, too.

and for me.

and for my mom, who will not be there. who will be at work.

i react so strongly to the cold because of this, i think.

its something i can change. i can resist.

something i can let the damn anger out at.

god.

somethings breaking inside. has been that way for a while now.

and i get pissed.

why the hell does it have to be so cold even she looked at me and said i know what you mean, while rubbing her hands together for warmth.

why the hell does it bother me so damn much.

fuck.

where did all this come from.