im about to go to sleep not tired tired, but inside tired.

tired as in... you're too much for me to handle, but i dont want to run away.

i dont want that to be my first response.

im about to go to sleep sad. sorry. regretful. hurt.

maybe i shouldve said one more thing before you left. maybe.

maybe i finally feel youre strong enough i dont have to say that last thing.

maybe i finally feel im strong enough i dont have to take being belittled.

which is how i feel when i talk to you most days now.

i really talked to the girl tonight.

it was one sided. my sided.

but shes the one who probed, shes the one who prodded.

shes the one i could fall into with my eyes closed knowing shed catch me.

or have padding underneath me.

shes the one who would call me a self destructive machine and know.

and she is, and always will be, the girl. the best friend. the first person to ever enter me in such a way they became part of me.

and still the only one who can read me, even states away.

but shes not... the it.

im drained, yo.

and i dont work tomorrow. so maybe ill just walk and find a place to curl up and sleep.

and think.

and figure out how not to be an asshole.

and how to keep a friend.

and how to be everything.

without killing myself.

in there lies the key.