and that's part of my problem, with having faith and such.

i know i cant be religious. but im afraid i say that because friends and such already see me as not religious, as one who argues against it and such. and if i become religious, all of a sudden, then thats me being a hypocrite.

but thats not it. its never been it. i dont have a problem with most religions. its the way they're practiced and who practices them.

religion, in its basis form, is beautiful.

but religion has been perverted.

my problem, with faith.

i cant feel right in my pursuit if, the reason i look for it, is because i need... not so much to have a purpose, but to know there's one out there. faith shouldnt be looking for something. it should be an acknowledgement.

no, not an acknowledgement.

it should be simple trust. for me, at least.

if you watch, there's a dance going on. the way the birds fly and the way the flower grows and in everything. interconnections and cooperations and... the way the water smooths the rock and the way the flower is colored so only the hummingbird goes for it. the way people move in and out of lives.

and i dont know where im going or what exactly im trying to say. but its there.

things dont have a point, when they happen. they only become poignant after the fact. saying that this or this or this, that happens right now, right this second, is for the best, is wrong. it's not for the best, its not for the worst, it just is. you can see how the past leads and connects and dances to now, but you cant see how now will lead and connect and dance to... now. so moments, seconds, heartbeats, are pointless, are alone, are by themselves.

and that, that is amazing and wonderful and everything.

it becomes, however, what moments you pick out and say yes, yes this led to that which led to this which led to why i am here and you are not.