i now understand.

realistically, i knew. and forced to place a bet, i would've placed it on this end of the table.

i dont know the extent of what went on between the girl and the friend. im not sure i want to know.

no. i do.

from what i gather, it is like this:

"sometimes i feel like crayon wants something different from me. that i cant give."

and i understand that.

but the last thing i heard, the last thing... " 'so crayon lets it seem how crayon wants it.' "

that stops me.

stops, doesnt give me hope, i dont have the hope now.

and dont feel bad about that, yall, cause the hope is the hope, the love is still there, the awe, the humility and the happiness she instills in me, that is always there.

the hope for something more was unbased. it was a huge shot in a room with all the lights turned off and the windows boarded up in the pitch black of night.

and i dont know if i was ever in the same room.

so, grudingly, haltingly, i release it.

and im ok. i really am. because the friendship, what was so damn important to me from the get go, is there.

but i do need to talk to the girl. i didnt like the distance of tonight. i didnt like the way she... her mind was still with the friend, talking to the friend, and absorbed in that.

and i left, and the friend talked some more.

so i...

i dont know.

but "crayon lets it seem how crayon wants it."

does that mean that... what does that mean?

so. yes. thats how it stands now.

i dont know what she knows or thinks or feels, other than that bit, and yeah. yeahyeahyeah.

so, lucky for you wonderful people out there, i'm... well, not available, because of everything, but im damn close. yall better sweep me off my feet while im still liable to sway.

am i taking this well? no. not really. but im not going to break down because i knew. from the moment... well. i knew.

i got confused, and i kick myself for that.

i fell for her, and i will never kick myself for that. she's a wonderful person and i could do much worse in my falling.

and so things are now, if not neatly, summed up.

i need some help, yeah, to understand that last bit, and... yeah.

smile people, for the crayon's soul has been settled. peace has been made within, i know how she feels. smile people, because she's still a good friend.

smile people.