i wanted to share it because i figured it might explain some stuff about me.

then again, it might not.

and, after i share, i'll reflect upon it.

more for my benefit then yours.

three summers ago i was in some city with my family. we were going to ryan's steakhouse to eat dinner with my sister's softball team.

i think.

deal is, i didn't want to go, for whatever reason. didnt want to eat there, didnt want to leave the hotel, who knows.

but i was pissed they were making me go, even though i would've been happy being alone by myself.

and so, in the car, i dont know, the parents and i started fighting... we had a lot of fights back then, thats something else ill need to talk about, eventually, i guess... but then there was this brief... i dont know.

brief moment of intense pain in the head.

like the kind of pain that goes right to your toes and makes your teeth hurt, you know?

but it lasted barely a second.

and then i felt something pop.

and it felt like heated liquid had been poured on the right side of my head.

my sister had been watching my face at this point and saw my reactions and such.

she was worried.

i was fine and all, but it just sort of shut me up and left me limp.

after that it happened maybe one or two more times.

what happened a lot, though, was i would get the pain but no pop.

and i was fine with that. they never lasted long. more of an annoyance then anything.

but they kept happening.

and eventually i told someone (read: the girl) and they made me go to a doctor.

parentally they were around me enough when it would happen that they got worried.

and im a stubborn ass and wouldnt go unless someone i cared about asked me to.

every now and then i still get the pains.

also, prior to the first popping there was a period where parts of my body would just go fuzzy on me.

not numb. not pins and needles. just fuzzy.

havent had that in a long time.

what i'm getting now, though, are little flashes of light or shadows flickering.

i was outside one night and i thought i saw my cat making a getaway through the hole in the gate and hence went "hey!"

to which i got a "what?"

"is the cat out?"

"uh. no."

but i swear i saw the cat's profile come by me.

flickering images in the corners of my eyes.

so. yes. that has been the status of my head.

i dont worry bout it much, or often.

why im sharing this, though, is because... i dont know. when i do worry about it, when i start to think, hey, that's not normal right, that's when i hit my peak.

the top. that's when im all damn ive gotta start living.

and when i start living.

it's like a kick to the seat of the pants. a reminder.

better than tying a string around a finger.

but there's always this little part inside of me that's saying it'll stop me one day. it'll come up and kick me so hard that im left on my knees throwing up.

i dont think about it much, though.

so neither should anyone else eh.

time for sleep?