i still remember it.

how i was propped up with some pillows, my feet crossed at the ankles.

how you leaned against the wall, playing with my blinds.

twirling that stick that opens and closes the blind with your back to me.

you asked me to turn the light out so i rolled over, flicked the switch down.

rolled back, propped myself back up.

recrossed my legs.

i heard you move, saw the soft outline of your head, your hair still put up, your neck, your back... saw your outline shift.

you turned and i still dont know if you turned to face me or if you turned to raise the blinds.

the blinds came up and the moon and the streetlight came in and there you were.

"i can't see your face"

i slid to the edge of the bed, sat with my legs crossed folded up one beneath the other, elbows on knees.

you stood there, straight. twirling that string in your hand.

after a few minutes i slid off the bed, needing something to prop myself up against.

this time i had my legs bent up. arms to the side.

you put your back to the window and with the mixture of lights, that dirty yellow and clear white, framing your face your neck your shoulders your arms i was gone.

i saw myself standing feeling your neck. trailing my hand down your arm. seeing your eyes close.

but i sat there.

you reached up, pulled that pen out that was holding your hair. it fell down, glowing.

i caught the pen after you flicked it at me, waved it around like it was a glass of well aged wine under my nose.

you laughed softly.

"pantene?"

"you know it."

you ran your fingers through your hair straightening it as best you could.

minutes passed with you just looking at your bare feet and me looking at you and it was nice. it was comfortable.

you requested:

"tell me a joke."

"a joke?"

"make me laugh."

"what's white and goes up?"

"what?"

"a confused snowflake."

"that wasnt funny at all."

but you smiled. i saw you smile. a quick flash almost hidden.

"what do you call a cow that's gone away from the ranch?"

"what?"

"de-ranged."

and you laughed at that.

how easy it would have been to, right then, say i was in love with you.

for in that moment, that moment when you laughed with the moon coming in and the streetlight and your hair down and your shoulders finally relaxed after everything, i couldn't be more in love with you.

but instead i stood. stood and faced you.

you looked at my eyes for a moment, looked away. looked back.

"youre... safe."

i nodded.

"won't hurt me?"

shook my head.

"i know."

soon after that you left.