at least, im so much closer to it right now, right this instant, then i have been in... ever.

ever being the three years ive known her.

its hard to be devestated time and time again by someones beauty and then realize they only think themselves plain.

and shes so damn... i lust after her, i guess.

but not lust. not... lust lust. not damn i gotta have that body.

but more... i want to feel her sides. i want to kiss her neck. i want to watch water roll down her back. i want to ride in the car with her and reach out and touch her leg.

i want to watch her sleep at night in the bed next to me.

watch her lungs push out and in.

i want to come home to her and her music and her smile and her dimple and her eyes.

i want to take her to family gatherings and as the elders tell stories, catch her eye and know shes caught what i caught heard what i heard and finds it amusing as well.

i want to sit and wait for her. i want to be the one she comes out of entry ways looking for.

i want to give her everything she'll let me give her.

i want to enter the shower after her. have her smell still surround me as i wash myself.

argh why do i do this. why why whywhywhywhywhywhy.