She jokes about how she's a whale now and I tell her she's not, I tell her pregnancy is the one time she shouldn't feel bad about gaining weight. This is what I don't tell her:

I don't tell her that, before the pregnancy, she was beautiful, but right now, as cliche and ridiculous as it might sound, it's even harder not to look at her. She's so beautiful.

I don't tell her that the father of the kid is a complete jack ass for a) not being there every single day to make sure she's okay b) to make sure the kid is okay and c) having the chance to be with her and messing it up.

I am not in love with her, but I do love her with a special kind of protectiveness and a deepness I don't feel for most people.

And seeing her pregnant, seeing her going through everything she is, helping out as little as I have, nowhere near as much as I want to, it's kind of making me excited for the opportunity to have my own.

I mean, odds are it won't ever be "mine." They'll be adopted or a test tube baby. I think it's pretty well established it's impossible for me to have kids, or super, super, have to be a miracle level of difficult.

And as much as I really want to adopt, and maybe have foster kids, I would love to have my own kid. I would love to be able to be with someone, love them so much, so deeply, so endlessly that out of that comes this little crazy, big headed kid, a whole bunch of them.

I want to see her pregnant, see our child growing in her, watch her swell, hear her complain about the swelling in her hands or her feet, watch her get excited about baby showers and little kid shoes, listen to her tell me to stop when I start rambling about bad parenting advice, I want to feed her ice chips when the time comes and wipe the sweat from her forehead and laugh when it's over.

I may not get that. I believe I will, eventually, with time. There's no way for me not to. It's one of the things I'm sure that I'm meant to do. Raise a kid or ten.

And out there is this complete dumb ass who's missing out on what should be this incredible life changing experience.