I had a dream about Emily last night. And it's always the same kind of dream. We remeet each other and she's actually, genuinely happy to see me. Seeing her smile kills me.

It's such a good dream and then I wake up with all these what ifs and why nots and I'm bitter for a while.

I'm to the point where I know that if it was ever meant to be it'll happen, eventually, but that, more likely than not, it wasn't meant to be at all. And I'm moving forward and I know that there's this girl out there just waiting for me to not be such a dumb ass and come find her.

But I hate these dreams.

It stumbles me up. Emily always, always had that impact. She always made me clumsier than normal, more awkward than normal. More everything.

Just someone, someone out there, tell me I'm ridiculous and the past should be the past for the reason.