Kelly and I are... I don't know. We talked and she wants another shot and I told her I didn't want anything at all. I'll say that in my favor: I was up front. I told her all I could do was the physical bullshit. And so we did. And of course she wants more than that.

Oh? The person she left me for? That didn't work out. Oh? The whole "I knew the first month we weren't meant to be?" I guess she forgot that shit and expected me to, too.

So, yes, still bitter. And I feel like I'm using her, but... I don't really know. And I kind of don't want to think about it much right now. And maybe, quite possibly I am sure of it that it makes me an asshole, but right now, in this very moment I will say I don't care about that.

But I know I do, and I know I don't want to be an asshole.

But I get so bitter and angry and I tell her and tell her that I don't want a relationship, I don't want anything from anyone but friendship and then she says stupid bull shit nonsense like "I wish I was sleeping next to you tonight." And I bite my tongue.

I stop myself from saying... well, you could be. Well, if you hadn't told them you wanted to be with them, you could be with me.

Being back with her, being officially back with her, all it would do would remind me that there came a time when I wasn't good enough. There was a moment when her doubts and temptation and confusion overwhelmed her and the thought of my laugh was not enough. There was a moment when she broke.

I would like to take a match to the insides of me. I would like to take a match and burn out the memories of the girls before, of their moles and their softness and the way their back held the moonlight and how her fingers felt in my hair and how her smile made me feel the best person to ever be born. I would like to burn all that, those fingerprints left deep inside of me, so I could find a new girl.

I would find this girl and I would offer her a clean me. I would have no comparisons to make.

This is what truly makes me an asshole and what will be the reason I am sent to hell: I compare all the women I love. Unintentionally, intentionally, I don't know if it matters, but it happens. And I know, or I hope, that there will one day be a girl who comes along who I just can't compare anyone to because she is so damn amazing it's ridiculous. But until that happens, and as long as I date girls and think... whoever is with Emily is so damn lucky or this or that or whatever, then that's completely unfair.