Lists are good. Because I just state something. Maybe I'll explain it, maybe I won't.

A) Kelly didn't come home last night. She didn't go to her grandmother's because she left her overnight bag here (she always takes it). I know she's been talking to two or three different people.

B) How can she be okay with making me stay here any longer than I have to? I felt like a jerk for wanting to break the lease, so I gave her like a month to find a new roommate. But I want out now. This is killing me.

C) Not killing me in the it's breaking my heart (it is, a little, but that's part of what makes me an asshole) but in that I don't want to be here, dealing with this.

D) I have been thinking about Emily. A lot. Too much.

E) While I am here I can't move on with my life. While I am here I can hang out with friends but feel like a jackass for bringing them back here.

F) I feel like a jackass for cooking here, too, because cooking was something I did for Kelly. Not for me.

G) I feel like a jackass.

H) I feel like an asshole.

I) I am impatient.

J) I have the potential in me to be great. I settle for mediocre.

K) If I can just get through these next two months my life will start again. I will be starting school again. I will be in a new apartment, by myself. I will feel comfortable talking to new girls. Old girls.

L) All the girls who have ever been with me have deserved much more than I've ever given them. They all deserve an apology.

M) I could use some vodka or rum these days.

N) I'm such a jackass that if I could write a letter to you, right now, that would completely melt your heart and make you want to smile at me again, I would. In a heartbeat. I would write it and you would touch my face and this is completely selfish of me because you don't need who I am right now. You deserve more than who I am right now.

O) Kelly deserves more than that, too.

P) We'll see how strong I am and how long I'll stay away from getting my heart smashed again.