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2009-06-04 - 2:32 a.m.

I have gone almost a month and I have not had anything to drink.

I have gone up and down inside and I have listened to sad songs and tried watching sad movies to sink into the sadness. Not to wallow in it, but to feel it so as to be able to dissect it and kill it when it pops back up again.

On the upswings I can smile and sing songs in the shower.

This is not to say I stay mainly one or the other. This is not to say I am in the midst of depression or succumbing to a month long run of mania.

I have made lists. Plans. Stated why I am a catch. Stated what I am going to do.

Here's something: at work this week I got kicked in the head by one of the kids. We were restraining him because he punched another employee. He came up to me today and apologized. He said he didn't realize it was me.

Here's something: someone told me they appreciated how sweet I always am to them.

Here's something: another list. Things I need to work on.

A) Communicating. Or maybe not so much "communicating" as teaching people how I communicate. Apparently I don't do a good job of it. Even though I always ask "Do you understand what I mean?" and you always say "yes" but for those times you don't say "yes" I explain it, again.

And even though I... No. No. I will not explain. I will not try to make excuses.

I get told I do not communicate. So I must not. So I must work on that.

B) I need to stop living part of my life in different worlds.

C) I need to like your family even if they put you down repeatedly, make you cry, and cheat on your mom.

I can't do this list.

It makes me angry.

The thing is, in every relationship, in the end of every relationship, people walk away saying why the relationship failed. And they always twist it so they're the good guys.

I know Kelly is walking around saying that she left because "it wasn't working out" or any of the three I listed above.

It would be too hard for her to say "it ended because I told someone else that I wanted to be with them."

The thing is, it ended because of the list and because she has always been in love with someone else.

And maybe I've always been in love with someone else.

No. I have. I have always been in love with someone else.

And I guess the difference between us was that I looked at Kelly and thought I was the luckiest son of a bitch alive because this amazing girl saw something in me. I felt like it was incredible that she wanted to talk about what kind of house we were going to get and how I was never allowed to die. I guess the difference is that I was ready to do what I could to give her the greatest life I could. And I was happy with that.

The difference is when she had the opportunity to walk away she took it. I wouldn't have. Because I was lucky.

But now. Now I have two heartbreaks to deal with. The heartbreak Kelly gave me and a six year old heartbreak I still haven't gotten over.

Maybe Kelly's stronger than me. A better person than I am. She followed her heart. Maybe I was settling. But when I say I was happy with her, with our life, I mean it.


I will get over Kelly because each heartbreak pulls me further into myself. It makes my heart a little more remote.

I will get over Kelly because I understand where her mind and heart are.

But what about this other heartbreak? This damn girl from 6 years ago?


How do you get over... how... I think of it like this: with each person I have fallen in love with I have been able to let go. The ending was final. The ending had something in it that made me think never, ever again.

That may be the problem. With her, there was no... no end I could see as having a reason for us to never try again. It was just that the distance was too much. We couldn't just be friends. And I was too much. Not in a good spot in my life, not as mature as I thought I was.


I am writing too much.

I need to sleep.


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