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2009-05-25 - 3:38 a.m.

Most of the time I'm okay. Most of the time I'm tapped into the heartless bastard side of me and I'm good staying in this apartment while she's in another room.

Most of the time I can talk about it fine, most of the time I can say fuck her, her loss, and mean it.

And then there are other times where my guard goes down and I'm hit with this crazy hard punch.

A few nights ago I had a migraine. Woke up to it. The kind where I can't move without wanting to vomit and kill myself. But I had to move. I had to get my medicine. And I got it. And went back to bed. And heard her, in the other room, on the phone.

Got myself tossed into the pity pool. But I took the medicine and put in some ear plugs and the drugs washed over me and knocked me out.

But I've been down this path before, you know? I've been the second choice before. I've been further down than the second choice. I've grown enough to understand that why I might not be the best looking thing out there, if I forget about my physical self and focus on words and actions and making people laugh and caring for them then I'm not a half bad catch.

And I know that. I know that there's gotta be this amazing girl, somewhere, that has got to fucking love me. I've gotta be someone's first choice sometime, don't I?


There's gotta be somebody, out there, who wants to bring me a cold rag when the migraine comes back. There has got to be somebody who loves stupid music as much as I do.


I keep telling myself that.

And so I'm going to keep moving forward. I'm going to get out of this god damn apartment one way or the other. I'm going to go back to school in the fall. I'm going to get involved in a bunch of shit, walk my dog more, love my parents more, and stay away from relationships. For a while. A long while.

I might fool around. It's gotta be hard out there for those females seeing me all single and charming. Maybe go on a few dates. Just no more serious damn commitments. Not until everyone is completely sure.

And I don't know if I'll ever be completely sure. Eh.

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