I think it may be a sign of maturity, of me growing up a bit, being older and different and better (that's arguable), that I only once in a while wish I could say what I really want to to her.

And I know it's a sign of me becoming more of the person that I want to be that I know I won't ever say the things that the heartless, asshole part of me wants to say to her.

I understand temptation. I understand wondering what if. I understand being heartbroken over a past love.

I can forgive all that. I've done all that. I expect that stuff.

What I can't get over is that when the opportunity came, when that other person gave her whatever kind of impression that there was even a remote chance of a future together she jumped ship.

She bailed on three years. She bailed on all of the plans we had made. She bailed on the talks of marriage, the plans of kids.

She bailed on the way she fit into my arms.

For a half-assed shot with someone who messed her up the first time.

Doesn't that just negate everything? Doesn't that make every single time she told me I was the one a lie? Doesn't that make every I'm in love with you a lie?

Doesn't that negate three years of words, of laughter, of inside jokes and new recipes and vacations and and and and.

I know three or four posts back I posted that I felt like I was living part of my life on a separate plane. And I still feel that way. And I'm aware of how much that makes me like Kelly.

But the thing is I was committed and believed that that separate plane, those separate planes where I have stories going on, different lives I would have led because of different choices, I always knew those planes were thin and not real. I also knew that I was in love and there was no choice.

To get rid of those planes would be to empty me of the stories I have to write (and I am convinced now more than ever that I will write an amazing novel soon) and would build up the stress in me until the ulcer I feel already growing puts me back in the hospital.

This is.... Blah... this was my world. This girl with her insecurities and these cats and THERE WAS NEVER A CHOICE.