Well, no, I do have some regrets, but that's not what I mean. I mean I'm pretty fucking happy with who I am right now, where I'm at right now, and whom I'm with.

But I wonder, sometimes.

Last night I had a dream about the girl. First dream in a long, long time about her.

And so I thought about it, later, in the shower. About how it's been 11 years since we met. About how I felt about her at one point and how much damn distance there is between us now.

Which is to be expected. And she's still one of my best friends, she's still a big part of who I am and of my heart.

But what if things had been different? I know, without a doubt, that it would have been a... thrill to evolve with her. And it's been one watching it happen. I'm so damn proud of who she is now and where she is. And I'm glad I never did anything to fuck that up.

And thinking about her leads to thinking about Emily. And I think I realized, the other day, that part of the pull and attraction of the memory of Emily is that I equate her with almost everything I love about the south.

Being with her was nothing if not raw and sexual and heated and she left me one night and I shook for hours afterwards.

And so you wonder what if, with her. What if I had gone to Arizona. What if that winter she came back I had kissed her instead of letting her cry into my neck as she told me good bye for the last time.

So many damn what ifs.

And then there's the reality of it. The reality sleeping in my bed because she stayed up all night to give me a hug. The reality that would do so much for me, and has done so much for me, and is so talented and beautiful and funny.