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2006-01-15 - 6:24 p.m.

For the first time in a really long time I just fell asleep last night.
It's not really that big of a thing, or it shouldn't be, but it was.
I hadn't taken any kind of pill to knock me out, hadn't had any alcohol to slow me down.
I had just been reading in bed, and my eyes got tired and there was a cat asleep next to my legs and I was warm and I just... fell asleep.
Also, I rerealized my love of some musicians. Mainly Eels and Nina Simone and Etta James.
What other meaningless pointless tripe can I write here, eh?
I am in a weird transition place in how I feel toward a relationship with Amy. Everything that has happened this past week has made me consider some things. She told me something I hadn't expected to hear, and so it caught me really off guard, and it hit a little too close to the deepest part of me.
I've been told, before and in other instances, that if something is meant to be, if you wait, it'll happen. For good, or for bad, if something is going to happen to you, it will happen.
And so part of me thinks I should just step back a few paces and see what develops. I think I've kind of made my feelings clear toward everyone involved, and so I should just patiently wait for the results, eh?
But the thing is, I suck on patience. Absolutely positively the one thing I can't do. I can't wait.
But, as paradoxical as this might be, I know that if there was a sign, something, out there letting me know that I should stay on this path for, leave myself open for her, I would.
I'm kind of scattered right now. Thinking a lot of different things, seeing different sides of me. I can actually kind of see a good side to me, you know? See where there might be a streak of unselfishness somewhere in me.
It's different, this break up. Different than past ones. Different in how I'm handling it, mentally. Different just in how I feel. Stronger, in some aspects. Stronger and cleaner and more willing.
There are moments where I crumble, though. There are moments when I need a sleeping pill because otherwise my mind is thinking of this which leads to that and which leads to this other thing and you know one of the things I hate most about Amy's new "best friend"? She reminds me of Janis Joplin, and I have a soft spot for Janis Joplin, and I just don't want to connect the two.
And here it is, early, and I am sleepy again. Sleepy and worried but thinking things might be okay.
No. I know they will be okay. I just don't know what okay is right now, and I don't know how I feel about what "okay" might be.
Also, digression:
I can't play the piano. The most I can do is some self-taught Mary Had a Little Lamb. I don't have a musical bone in my body and I'm actually surprised I haven't been kicked out of chiors before. But when I type, when I can just string together sentences without hitting the backspace button any, it feels good and rhythmicy and it makes me happy. It's a pleasant thing and sometimes, when I was little, I would pull my mom's typewriter out and just type long strings of nonsense words just to listen to the way the keys made the clicking and how the stamp hit the paper and then hit that enter key to make the machine whirr the paper up. Keyboards are good things that make me happy. They are solid and familiar and unchanging. You could get hypontized in the right setting, in the right mood, with the right things to type about. It becomes automatic and beautiful and I just don't find that much anymore. I don't find that niche, I guess, where I can just type without thinking, write.
I miss that. Writing. I haven't written a poem in forever, even though Amy wanted me to write her a poem for Christmas. I didn't, because of the way circumstances changed, but maybe I will.
Maybe.
I think, though, right now, I'm just going to sleep, because sleep sounds okay.

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