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2006-01-12 - 7:11 a.m.

I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Some stuff has gone down that I won't really talk about here because it's not my place to.
I love her too much, I guess.

And that's what it pretty much comes down to. I still love her, as much as it hurts sometimes.
We're different in so many ways that she'll do something that it won't ever cross her mind could kill me, and I'll hear about it and it just stops my heart.
That's not bad or good or anything.

It just is.
It's her.


And I've realized this:
There is no perfect relationship. There is nothing without arguements and fights and someone walking away to calm down and someone driving to be there for you.

Some relationships are rockier than others. Some relationships aren't meant to last forever.

I don't know what our relationship was. I would still do anything for her, and I hope she really understands that. I would do anything.

I'm not perfect. Sometimes I'm not even good. I've hurt her more than I've ever talked about here. And I won't ever talk about it here because I realize how awful it was of me.

I would take it all back. Every word, if I knew it would help. Invent a time machine and stop myself from calling.

The truth?
I'm scared.
I'm scared for me, and more, I'm scared for Amy.

I know she can handle everything. I know she's got an amazing power in her, if she just believed in herself and just trusted herself.
But she doesn't see it. So she's not doing it.
And I haven't helped. Because I am weaker than she is, in so many ways.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this.

I just want to hug her.

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