you stand ankle deep in the still water. it is silent. that's what you think, there, in the quiet that surrounds the apartment complex.

it stopped raining shortly after sun down.

you walked out, barefoot, after him. he drove away. you stood, in the puddle near the curb.

the streetlight closest to the entrance of the parking lot shuts off.

in the darkness, in the water, you stand straight, thinking slowly.

in your mind you list everything you miss about him. you think:

"1) the way his hips felt between my hands. 2) his laughter, loud and honest. 3) his hug, how i knew he always meant it. 4) the way his eyes followed me across the room. 5) how excited he would get, in the middle of the night, to eat ice cream bought from the 24 hour gas station."

you think this. you also think you should cry, but you don't. because you can't. because this is your fault.

the light turns on, making a pool that moths drive themselves up into. the cuff of your pajama pants are slowly soaking the water up.

you told him to leave. not because you stopped loving him. not because he cheated on you.

you told him to leave.

"6) how he opened the blinds during lightning storms. 7) how he told me i was beautiful. 8) when i told him not to tell me i was beautiful, how he told me i took his breath away. 9) believing him, because his eyes became so serious."

you knew you broke his heart. you saw it, sitting at the kitchen table. you could read him better than he ever knew, or ever admitted. so when he began biting his lip and rubbing his eyes in frustration, you knew.

you picked up the cup of dr. pepper to stop yourself from touching his hands. from stilling him, quieting him, soothing everything.

he gripped his keys so tightly as he walked away you waited to watch for the blood run over his knuckles.

"10) the way he would calm me when i had a paper i was stressing over. 11) how he surprised me with his kisses. 12) shopping for shoes with him, his patience and the way the top of his head looked as he insisted he had to tie my shoes for me. 13) the way my cat bit him."

you turn around, step onto the sidewalk. you feel yourself, fully. you feel your lips, chapped, your breasts, tender, your stomach pressing against the waist of the pajama pants, your knees, your feet, moist. your hands, empty.

"14) his voice in my ear."

you did this. it was your decision. it was what was best for you. you believe this, whole heartedly.

"15) the way he asked 'what can i do to make it better?' as he slid inside me."