i want to ask for 35 dollars for christmas so i can go back to the doctor because the lump in my throat is getting slightly bigger and the tissue around it is getting darker and sometimes i can feel it when i swallow.

plus i told emily i would go to a doctor before she came back.

i just want them to take it out or drain it or just tuck it back under that flap so i don't have to see it.

i'm at my parents' house tonight to spend today and christmas with them. while i was helping my mom wash her dog she said "so, how's your buddy... oh, where'd she go..." and she paused.

and i have many buddies, or, at least, many people she'll refer to as buddies. she won't ever say girlfriend, dating partner, that person you hit it with every now and again. just my buddy.

and so i started thinking of all my potential buddies. i had actually thought she meant the girl, so i was about to say "she went to boston, she's good."

but i waited her out because sometimes i do have patient, and she said "in arizona? is she back yet?"

she went on to ask me if i would be bringing her around the house any.

i don't know if she was asking me to or being subtle and saying she'd like to meet this girl who's gotten so much of my attention while being 1600 miles away.

not that she didn't meet her a couple of times this summer.

we came over and played chess outside on the patio once, and my mom brought me coke and they talked.

as i was driving home today, home to the parents' house, i thought about emily coming back and telling me about her family, about her great uncle who is sick and her favorite cousin patrick and i just wanted to be there, meeting her family.

i need to go rest. tomorrow's going to be a long day. family and weird family stuff where my mom won't go over to my aunt's house because of whatever reason, and then i get to drive another hour and work about 8 hours.

at least 8 hours.

but then i get sunday and monday off, so that'll be good.

also, for the first time in three years i won't be working on new years eve night.

no sir.

if i can wrangle it, if emily's back, i'm hoping maybe i can spend it with her.

here's a secret:

i've never spent new years eve with someone i could kiss.

well, i mean, without things being weird, me getting hurt, or fired. that kind of stuff.

maybe, maybe if i'm lucky, i can break the span this year.