last night i guess it was.

its not that i want to cancel the date to play head games or show her what shes losing or anything like that.

yo, this is what it is:

saturday we got a little time together, so we went to my parents house and played upwords.

we finished a game, then we sat around.

and then she sat next to me. and then she laid down and put her head in my lap.

then i laid down. kissed her brow.

she told me no.

and as much as i wanted to, i couldn't kiss her lips.

and as much as she wanted me to, i couldn't kiss her lips.

she wouldnt let me.

and thats why i think, sometimes, maybe it would be better not to go on this date.

because i can't be like we were. it's like we're starting all over.

and i know we're not.

but it's going to hurt so much, knowing i've got her, but i've got to give her up. again.

knowing that, maybe one day soon, another guy will realize everything i've realized, and i'll lose her.

again.

that's what i'm afraid of.

and so i want to call the date off not to play with her head.

because i'm a coward.

as of right now, though, im going through with it. because as much as a coward as i can be, i can't pass up the chance to be with her.

to show her, one more time, what i might be able to be.

so right now, the date's planning stands like this:

i pick her up, cleaned up fairly nice, with a flower.

a quiet picnic in the car on a bluff overlooking some lights. because she one day a few weeks ago she said she wished there was a bluff around here we could just go to, to eat.

a trot back to a secluded, warm room where we fingerpaint on the floor.

then i let her go.