actually, no. i wanted you to be in the car with me.

i wanted us to get out, joking, and then come inside.

i wanted to be able to turn to you, look into your eyes, and feel everything get quiet. hushed.

i wanted your fingers, cold, moving up my skin, up over the ridges of my ribs, taking my shirt off.

i wanted you to undress me.

when we joke, now, and you lean close into me, i want nothing more than to reach out and grab you.

but we're just friends. right now, at least. and friends don't grab each other and pull them close.

my arm muscles tense to move and my eyes close tight and i think no.

my chest hurts and my fingers get tired of touching my palm.

i miss you.

and i'm confused.