i told her good, she needed her rest, she should have probably been in bed a while ago.

she is exhausted, she says, but not sleepy tired. more body tired.

but she says she stays up, tonight, for me. because we have not talked in a while.

so much truth there.

she told me she was not going, not right now. so i said alright. but she told me goodnight, so i told her goodnight.

then she said kid. yeah i reply. kid, i miss you. i miss you too, i say with, and i dont like missing you like this.

i dont like it either, she says.

so we try to talk.

she thinks it is her again. her fault, for not communicating.

i tell her it is weird for me, to look back upon this past year. and because she knows me, knows my heart and soul and mind and everything, she knows to listen and i will round around in a moment, to clear things up.

she says why. and i imagine her, here. or on the phone. asking why. gently. and letting the word die and the silence breathe where our vowels should be.

because it feels like two different times. it does. for you too, then? yes.

i tell her i am sitting here, trying to think of something to say or write or just something.

i tell her there is no going back to then, i know that, and i don't like now, but i dont know what else to do besides continue moving forward.

she says i know. she says i mean, i dont know.

listen, i ask her, what do you want? i dont know. it makes it harder for me, i tell the girl.

what do you want, i am asked. i want you to be happy, and not this i think but am not entirely sure. i want you to know you are happy. i want you to feel it, i want you to have fires in belly. i want you to be you.

she says she wants that. but not bad enough right now.

why not? because i don't have the time. yeah. and i dont want to think about it. yeah.

what do you want from me, i ask her. i want you to find yourself even more than you have this year. i want you to go for things that you want. i want you to not be trampled all over anymore. i want you to get what you deserve, i want you to be able to talk to me like you used to. i want you to laugh and have fun all the time and not feel that tension, and not get that humming.

i want you to be able to talk to me, too, like you used to. i say.

we continue talking, until she gets too tired. and leaves.

leaves telling me we will pick up where we left off.

this will be harder than she realizes.