i havent been alive long, and i've been through some stuff.

not a lot, compared to others, but still. its been stuff.

and i'm still this young.

i can't imagine what'll happen in the next 20 years, 30 years.

it scares me.

because although things happen to me, it doesnt happen directly to me. and i dont know how many more times i can handle a loved ones death, someone being stricken with an incurable disease, their apathy.

because i cant help them. i could move mountains for them, but i couldn't bring them back to life, i couldn't cure their cancer, i couldn't make them passionate.

i dont want to go on about this.

i... i say im okay about my future, right now.

but it just got shooken up. a little.

I DONT FREAKING KNOW.

listen:

i have wonderful amazingly beautiful people in my life.

hell, just thinking about this layout makes me realize how god damn lucky i am in that department. i cant thank you enough, rachel.

i have nothing to really complain about. im in fairly good health, im living for nearly free. work is good.

im lucky, im decently talented, im not in poverty, underfed, well mannered, such and such.

that, in its own little way, is enough for me to feel secure about my future.

i can handle shit because i was given the ability to handle shit.

but, for the last few years, ive had two things i could say without doubt were my anchors. without doubt.

one was grover. which sounds odd, yes, but im not going to explain my dependency on him right now. im sure i have before.

and one was the girl. but after last week, and january, and everything thats been happening to both of us and to each of us, singularly, apart from one another, i feel god damn slow to put my weight back on that.

god dammit.

no. thats not what i mean. i would trust her with everything, right now, if she asked me to.

BAH. i have no god damn idea where i stand with her anymore.

i love her, damn do i love her. im not in love with her. i trust her with my heart and my soul and my every fiber.

but i cant say shes never hurt me. i can say shes never intentionally hurt me. still, though, i can say shes hurt me.

fuck.

i dont know.

im happy, though, whether or not this proves it.