but its okay if i focus on the laptop.

if i ignore everyone else in the room with me.

if i don't hear my grandfather tell curly hi, or ask where lou is, or crack a joke, or tell me to be safe.

if i can forget that the girl is out of communication currently i dont feel so alone.

im not alone. i know this.

but she can't tell me anything. and that's what i need.

i need to talk to her, i need to just get all this shit out and off of me. i have people to talk to, and some that i am talking to, but theres still more im not saying.

im not saying because they're not her.

holding my grandmother when they brought the gurney into the house i could feel her shaking, barely holding her sobs in.

she was so small and frail.

i should be there now. but im not.

because everyone thinks this is best for me.

and maybe they're right.

but it doesnt feel right.

i dont think a lot of things will feel right for a while.

listen:

his funeral will be at the same place my sister's funeral was at.

listen:

i havent attended a funeral since my sister.

i've been to visitations and everything, but i havent actually sat through a funeral.

listen:

even thinking about that smell makes my stomach churn.

it will have been 8 years since my sister's death in april.

i can draw you the floorplan of the funeral home.

i think i'm going to be sick.